FOUR MONTHS IN – WHAT’S CHANGED?

I wasn’t sure whether to write any public facing journal entries. Even while I write this, I’m not sure if I’ll publish it, but after four months I thought it was a good idea to retrospect on how I’m feeling after this long on the road. I think it will prove a good exercise, to clarify my thoughts and who knows, maybe this will ring true with others out there, who have travelled or thought about the idea of travelling long-term.

REASONS FOR TRAVELLING

When I first decided to go travelling I was at a real turning point in my life. I was crippled by anxiety and depression. Many people who know me wouldn’t have a clue that this was happening to me, but that’s the case with a lot of these mental health issues. People wear a mask and get used to hiding their real feelings from the outside world.

I was filled with so much self doubt, about my ability to do anything. Anything at all. I really didn’t believe in myself and this wasn’t getting any better, no matter what I tried to do about it at home.

For anyone that has lived with anxiety; taking a jump to leave your job, home, friends and family and literally ‘roll the dice’ with your life seems like an impossible thing to do. You feel trapped, but there’s a kind of sick comfort in the trap and your ego will not let you out of it.

I needed a tool to help me make these steps. The dice was that tool and putting decisions to the dice seemed to make it so much easier and somehow relieve some of the pressure. If it went wrong, it wasn’t my fault so much now. Crazy perhaps, but it worked.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNT?

In my first four months away I have seen so much. If you’ve been following the blog, presumably you’re already aware of that.

But what have I learnt from this time? What are the key things that stay with me?

Maybe this list (off the top of my head), will be useful for any others that are in a similar position to me and wondering if leaving everything behind is worth it.

• Taking the plunge to leave does bring about fear. So many questions, of what if? Take it from me though, as soon as you get off that plane, you will feel a tremendous sense of freedom and pride that you’ve made it happen.
• Making friends is easy, so long as you stay in hostels. So many people are in the same boat, so just putting yourself out there is all you have to do. Travellers love to exchange experiences and everyone seems to have the same 5 questions up their sleeve:
  • Where are you from?
  • How long have you been travelling?
  • How long do you plan on travelling?
  • Where have you been so far?
  • What’s the best thing you’ve seen or done?
  • Potentially this bonus question – Why are you travelling? I found that people over 30 tend to have an interesting reason, or reasons for their travels. It’s great to really open up with someone and share your reasons. You’ll realise that we all have similar problems, demons, battles and insecurities.
• When travelling you’re never alone, unless you choose to be. At times you will choose to be. Everyone needs their own space.
• There can be a lot of quiet time on the road. I expected this and I’m grateful that I decided to blog about my time here. It’s kept me grounded and gave me something to focus on while away. I’m proud of the work I’ve done on this site and it will be a great thing for me to look back on and treasure.
• Southeast Asia is very cheap by Western standards, but you quickly get used to that and will scoff at paying more than £2 for a drink, anywhere.
• There is no need to worry. Seriously. Anything that life throws at you, you will deal with. Thinking about what might happen is the problem. You can’t deal with a ‘what if’, but you can always deal with the current situation. That’s where you really learn about what you’re capable of.
• Travel is great for the mind. I’ve been able to really get the headspace I needed and think more creatively, rather than be stuck in the same old thought patterns.
• Happiness is fleeting. You can only feel truly happy in moments. Striving for happiness is the problem. Appreciate that you will always feel a range of emotions and that’s one of the great things of being alive. Feel everything without judgement.
• I am more capable than I gave myself credit for. If I’d thought in advance about how much work would go into this blog, my initial thought would have been that I wouldn’t have been able to keep on top of it, or create something that I would have been proud of. I am proud of it; and myself for doing it.
• Social media can be great for staying in touch with people, but it can also be a disease. People spend so much time sharing their filtered images of how their life is and comparing themselves to other people’s fake lives. The result can bring about sadness, rather than what was intended – joy and connection. I’ve been guilty of this too, but I am consciously aware that this can be a result of social media use.
• I’ve learnt that living every moment fully and being totally present in that moment is what’s important.
• The world is massive. And massively diverse. I believe everyone should give themselves a chance to see more of it. It will change you. And I’m excited to see how it’s changed me, when I reconnect with friends from back home.
• There is so much to be grateful for, in any situation. Reflecting on the positive is very important, as your mind (or at least mine) will naturally focus on the negative.
• It’s ok to not have it all figured out. No one does. Anyone that says they do, is probably fooling themselves.
• It’s ok to be scared. I’m trying hard each day not to judge myself on this one.
• And finally, travel is ace. Do it.

HOW AM I FEELING NOW?

Considering I was battling depression and anxiety before I left, how am I feeling after four months away. Am I feeling better?

Well, yes and no.

Anxiety – and I’m glad to be able to start that with a capital, as it’s been such a huge thing in my life – has certainly reduced immensely while I’ve been away. I haven’t woken up with the existential fear every morning, but it’s still there.

I still have moments of anxiety and depression, but they are massively reduced.

The main times I feel anxiety is when I think of “this is great, Rob, but what’s next?” I put so much pressure on myself to achieve, but at the same time feel like I’m incapable of achievement and that is the thought process that I’ve found impossible to shake so far.

When I think about it consciously, I’m aware that I have achieved a lot, personally, while I’ve been away and hopefully that will stand me in good stead.

I’m aware that I’m not yet ready to end my travels. I always expected that I’d reach a natural end where I felt ready for the next step, but I don’t feel that yet. I’ll certainly keep going for another few months at least, and I look forward to seeing what experiences will come my way.

I’ll keep on keeping on for now. I’ll keep rolling the dice. I hope that by the next time I write a journal post I will have some more insights into how I feel and why that is and be closer to being ready for whatever my next step in life is.